VALHALLA –

Responding to pleas from what were likely homeless students under her balcony, Betsy DeVos, upon being confirmed by the US Senate as Secretary of Education, has promised to vouchsafe an education to all students of the US, wherever they may be.

“Here Ye, Here Ye, Young people!” a page in the employ of the Secretary exclaimed, reading from a scroll. “I bring you excellent tidings! Henceforth from this date, Her Majesty, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos does promise to vouchsafe you all an education!”

“Whether you are living in the hills, or on the plains, in caves, forests, or by the sea – no matter where you live, you are hereby vouchsafed an education. Huzzah!”

Upon the page’s completion of the announcement, Secretary DeVos, heir to the billion dollar Amway empire, mounted an Arabian horse and amid a fanfare of trumpets, broached a nearby hedge, and was gone.

Asked what he will do now that he has been vouchsafed an education, 16 year old fast food employee Dernam Young replied that he would probably try and trade it in for Kohl’s Cash. “My mom is crazy for that stuff”, he said.

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