WASHINGTON, DC –

In a ceremony at his Mar-A-Lago Resort attended by many well-wishers, President-elect Donald Trump announced today his 2018 plan to increase his overall decibel level for the year by +25.0 dB.

Not Currently Loud Enough

“The American people need to hear exactly what President Trump is saying, when he says it, very clearly,” said a Trump team press release. “Raising the president’s decibel level by +25.0 dB for 2018 is an important way for us to keep turning this country around from the already great country he has already made it in 2017.”

Smashing Recommended Audio Standards

Maren Valderheide, who has assumed the newly created role of White House Secretary of Audio Volume, concurred.

“For too long, the voice coming from the Oval Office has generated between -6 dB and -12 dB, as outlined in the guidelines of national broadcasters, the SMPTE standards, and equipment manuals put out by audio recording device manufacturers around the world.”

“Today, the Trump administration is once again smashing the status quo by increasing decibel levels across the board by +25.0 dB for both pre-recorded quotes and live audio feeds from the President’s microphone” said Ms. Valderheide.

When asked whether increasing audio levels beyond the range that the equipment was designed to handle will cause problems in recording, Valderheide said that this was a problem for the news media, not the administration.

Nothing Left

White House press room veteran and sound mixer Dewey Marlby was unsure what to make of the news. “Normally, the feed from the White House podium is -6 dB which is nominal and sounds great. In the old days, when we were using tape decks, an increase of a few dB would be no big deal. But with digital, basically the audio is wiped out when the signal is that hot.”

“It’s like watering a daisy with a fire hose,” Marlby stated. “There’s just nothing left.”

VGTRK, the Russian State Broadcast network, announced today that as a courtesy they will provide a separate audio feed to American news media of a voice summarizing what the President is saying.

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