MIAMI, FL –

In a daring midnight heist, Amy Schuemer, who is no relation of the well-known celebrity comedian, Amy Schumer, broke into the Miami estate of Kevin Bacone, no relation to the well-known film actor, Kevin Bacon, shot a security guard, used a taser on a doberman pinscher, and made off with 10 million Swiss Francs.

Ms. Schuemer, who was born Frank Sinhatra in Northumberland, England, and was not related to the famous singer Frank Sinatra, now deceased, breached an electronic fence that had been installed by Mr. Bacone, born Morgan Freedman (no relation to actor Morgan Freeman) to ward off intruders, and shimmied down a telephone pole to gain access to the house.

Authorities on the scene were initially confused about how to proceed. Sergeant Lerbon James, who is not related to the famous basketball star, Lebron James, said that Ms. Schuemer had an outstanding warrant for her arrest, but because the warrant had been issued for Tom Hankes, no relation to the famous actor Tom Hanks, an assumed identity that Ms. Schuemer had been living under, Sergeant James was unsure how to fill out the paperwork.

Mr. Hankes reportedly had stabbed two construction workers, Kim Jong-Oon and Kei©ha,  at a chicken stand in Fresno, CA, back in 2014 after not receiving an extra mustard packet for his hamburger.

Ms. Schuemer had planned to stash the money in anticipation of a “Swexit” referendum, when Swiss Francs will once again become legal tender.

Police Spokesman Steve MacQueen, no relation to deceased film actor Steve McQueen, or living TV actor Steve McQueen from the TV series “Vampire Diaries”, asked the public to please stop watching TV and movies.

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