COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA –
Anticipating a wide open race in the coming years, a doorknob in Council Bluffs, Iowa, has become the first candidate out of the gate to declare its candidacy for the 2020 United States presidential election.
The doorknob, a Craftsman-style knob mounted on a bronze escutcheon, does not identify with a particular party, and sources close to the doorknob indicate it will likely run as an independent. As part of the announcement, the doorknob released a summary of qualifications for the nation’s highest office, listing “born in America” and “tough” as primary strengths.
Paralegal Mike Crutchburger, who attended the rally and calls himself an independent, was intrigued by the candidate but had a wait and see attitude. “It’s early yet. I like some of the things the doorknob is saying, but it’s a long road, and I’m in no hurry to make up my mind.”
Not everyone at the rally was supportive. “We have absolutely no proof that this doorknob was born where he says he was” said another attendee who said his name was Nancy Pelosi. “Show us your birth certificate, doorknob! What are you afraid of? You know what? You’re a crooked liar, doorknob. Dishonest, deceitful, and crooked. And not nice. You ought to be put in jail, doorknob.”
“Something bad might happen to you” the boisterous attendee said, “and you will have only yourself to blame. I’m just saying. Maybe you go home tonight, and you left your gas burner on all day with no flame, and your house blows up. It could happen. Happens all the time. Or maybe you forget to check your brakes and you’re driving home on the Major Deegan and suddenly – no brakes – and a car from behind pushes you off the expressway and the cops don’t do a thing about it because they’ve been paid off. That could be you, doorknob. Just saying.”
“And the media, don’t get me started on the crooked media” continued the attendee. “They are so dishonest. Why aren’t they asking this doorknob tougher questions? THEY should be asking for the doorknob’s birth certificate, not me. The media is crooked and dishonest and not nice.”
“The system is rigged, people. This doorknob is getting away with murder! There should be a special prosecutor named immediately to look into the dealings of this doorknob. I’m telling you what they find would make your hair stand on end, folks. Stand on end. And that’s not the half of it, believe me. This doorknob is involved in terrorism – very bad things. Things so bad I can’t even mention them. In fact, this doorknob is responsible for the creation of ISIS – it is an actual founder of ISIS. This doorknob was there at the founding of ISIS and committed the worst crimes, I can’t even tell you. Beheadings. Yes. Some beheadings. But you won’t hear that from the crooked media.”
“And also Benghazi, and North Korea. Why isn’t the FBI looking into this doorknob’s ties to North Korea? I have information that I can’t share but let’s just say that if an investigation was done into this doorknob’s affairs, North Korea would feature very prominently. VERY prominently. And that is just the tip of the iceberg, folks…”
In other news, the doorknob announced his running mate will be a doornail.
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