Climate Scientists Discover Abominable Snowman, Battle To The Death

Climate Scientists Discover Abominable Snowman, Battle To The Death


Climate scientists at the Far South Polar Expeditionary Station were just getting started with their seasonal ice core drilling this week, when they accidentally became party to a life-and-death struggle with an infamous and fearsome creature.

The research team was 100 miles inland from the Ross Ice Shelf on a scientific mission to collect data related to the earth’s changing temperature, when Engineer Jergen Torg heard something a few meters away and went to investigate.

Dr. Richard Engelberston, whose diary was found at the scene, recounted what happened:

“We had just cleaned the cutters on the drill head and lowered the cables, when Engineer Torg let out a cry from the edge of the ice pack. From my vantage point, I could see he had encountered a 10-foot tall primate covered in white hair charging from behind a wall of snow at approximately 37 miles per hour.

The researchers had stumbled upon the infamous Abominable Snowman, also known as a Yeti.

“Engineer Torg immediately pulled out his notebook to record his first impressions, while I fetched my sound recorder and Expedition Chief Martin Rodwell ran to get the optical spectrometer. The rest of the team also quickly gathered their instruments to capture as much data as possible during this amazing encounter.”

As it turns out, the first recorded observation by the team was the Yeti reaching down and ripping off both of Engineer Torg’s arms from his torso.

“Although the engineer’s screams obscured the audio recording, we detected a glottal howl from the Yeti consistent with a bear’s vocalizations, but in a much lower register. Our next observation was the Yeti waving Jergen’s limbs over his head in a semi-circular motion, demonstrating that his scapula were likely D-shaped, and perhaps indicating a distant connection to feline ancestry.”

The climate scientists gamely made an effort to study the giant blood-thirsty creature, but their efforts were to be short-lived as the Yeti, seemingly hell-bent on the destruction of the entire encampment, went on a ghastly rampage.

“Naturalist Knute Andersen came up behind the Yeti with a specimen bag to collect hair samples, and succeeded in obtaining a few strands from the Yeti’s arm with a tweezers before the Yeti demonstrated an ability to use tools by impaling him on an ice auger. Although blood pouring from his chest somewhat compromised the sample, the courageous scientist was able to seal the bag with his mouth to prevent further contamination.”

“Brave Cultural Specialist Dr. Parva Rakshim who ran at the Yeti waving an assortment of colored flags to test its reaction, spluttered out some findings as the Yeti ran him thru with a tent pole, using opposable thumbs. I’ve jotted down what I believe Rakshim was trying to say in an appendix to this entry.”

By this time, Chief Rodwell and Undersea Specialist Tim Chandler had returned with the optical spectrometer to record the color of the Yeti’s fur. As the spectrometer gathered its data, the Yeti lifted the two researchers off the ground and crushed their heads with its bare hands, letting out a spine-chilling roar. It then proceeded to track down each member of the party and dismember them in a grisly and horrific display of carnage.

Dr. Engelberston, who recorded audio during the entire encounter as the other scientists were killed one by one, was the last to be attacked.

As the Yeti rushed toward me with a terrible howling and blood dripping from his gaping maw, I did my utmost best to hold my ground and continue recording in honor of the brave scientists who had fallen before me. As it happened, the Yeti threw me with such force that I broke thru the snow pack when I landed and tumbled down a 300 foot crevasse. Although my legs are broken, I thankfully am able to record these observations here in my pocket diary while there is still light.

I am not optimistic of rescue, but have decided to fire my handgun, which each of us is required to carry at all times in case of polar bears, every 20 minutes until I run out of ammunition. Since each team member is issued 100 rounds, I should be able to keep shooting for almost two full days. If there’s someone in the area, perhaps they will hear the weapon discharge, and hopefully come and investigate. It would truly be a shame to lose the audio recording.
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