STANFORD UNIVERSITY –
Scientists stunned the confectionery world today by announcing that after years of effort, which exacted a terrible personal toll on the researchers involved, they had finally succeeded in producing a Triple-Frosty Nerd in the laboratory.
The team of researchers, led by Dr. Anton Scopashurli, had been working around the clock for almost a decade to produce the candy item, the next logical step after the Double-Frosty Nerd had been discovered at the CERN Large Hadron Collider in 2007.
Dr. Scopashurli, who was near tears as he made the announcement at Stanford University Wednesday, thanked his team for their long hours, unwavering dedication, and personal sacrifice. “I am standing up here before you today”, said Dr. Scopashurli at the press conference, “but really, I am standing on the shoulders of many others in this room who all share in this amazing discovery.”
“Truly, words fail you at a time like this”. Dr. Scopashurli stopped speaking for a moment, then went on to recount the devastating toll that the research took on everyone involved. “Science can be a cruel mistress,” he said. “Important discoveries require extreme focus. Hours upon hours in the lab…”
At this point, team member Marianne Lopez approached the scientist, who was having trouble continuing, and escorted him to a seat where he silently wept. Dr. William Lobetzky, another colleague, then took the podium and spoke to reporters.
“Thank you, Dr. Scopashurli, for your brave efforts in this scientific endeavor”, continued Dr. Lobetzky. “This particular problem was extremely difficult. The discovery of the Double-Frosty Nerd, to some degree, followed a logical path from the original Frosty Nerd. But when we began ten years ago on our quest to find the Triple-Frosty Nerd, we had no idea of the torturous twists and turns that working on the outer edges of physics and chemistry would bring to us. Some might call it madness. And perhaps it was. But the human species is driven by a burning desire to know. To test the limits of what’s possible. And look into the deepest secrets of our universe, unflinchingly, and confront our existence.”
Dr. Lobetzky continued: “Yes, there were long hours. And yes, there was some heavy drinking. Infidelity. Divorces, yes. Bankruptcies. Gambling. Shoplifting. Car-jacking. All of these things. But at the end of the day, it was all worth it.”
“Does Graduate Assistant Peggy Davidson wish she could have those ten years back?” Dr. Lobetzky said, acknowledging Ms. Davidson who was seated in the front row in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs. “Does she wish she had not become addicted to methamphetamine, robbed a Wells Fargo bank at gunpoint, and led police on a 2 hour car chase before crashing into the lobby of a Dunkin’ Donuts?”
“Does Dr. Wen Lu regret the crippling back pain that resulted from being hunched over test tubes long into the night when other people were out enjoying themselves having dinner and watching a movie? Does he wish that he had not slept in the lab for 5 years, falling into a deep depression from a lack of sunlight, and losing the will to even prop himself up in a seated position to read the latest data?”
“Do I wish that my wife and kids had not left me after the research funding ran out and I could no longer make our mortgage payments? Or that I had not lost my house? Or been shunned by people on the street because I had not showered or shaved or brushed my teeth for 3 years? No. This is the price we pay. This is the work of science. This is what Triple-Frosty Nerds demanded.”
Dr. Lobetzky then stumbled down from the podium and fell onto a folding chair, chipping a tooth, and curled up into a ball on the floor where he sobbed uncontrollably.
Triple-Frosty Nerds will be available in stores starting June 4th.
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