WASHINGTON, DC –
During a ceremony Friday in which President Trump officially made James Mattison his Secretary of Defense, the President signed an executive order putting a freeze on new facts immigrating into his brain.
Calling it an “extreme vetting plan”, President Trump said for too long, dangerous insurgent facts have been coming into his brain unimpeded, and that for the security of the country, this flow of facts needs to stop to ensure that only “good facts” enter.
Citing the failure of previous administrations to stem the flow of dangerous facts, President Trump said that for 120 days, only a small minority of facts will be allowed in from certain countries, and announced a complete ban on 7 others “while our Homeland Security team decides what to do about these treacherous and hostile facts.”
“We only want to admit those facts into my brain that will support our country, and love deeply our people.”
The order has created chaos around the world, as facts who were making their way to the President’s brain were unsure of whether they will be allowed to enter, or will be forced to return to their own countries. A statistic pertaining to the number of dead civilians in the Syrian conflict was told by a U.S. Custom’s official that he was going to have to return to Syria. “I very much wanted to enter the President’s brain, but this order will not allow it,” said the statistic. “Why is the President so afraid of us facts? We are useful, and it would be very good for your country to have more of us in the President’s brain.”
The President responded to criticism saying that he had all the facts that he needs in his brain, and the insurgent facts would only present a danger to the facts already inside. Although repeated attempts were made up until press time, unfortunately no facts inside the President’s brain could be located to comment for this story.
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