LEAVENWORTH, KS –
In an effort to expand the choices available to communities for imprisoning their citizens, the Trump administration today announced a new initiative to encourage entrepreneurs to come up with new ways of locking people up.
The brainchild of Attorney General Sessions and Education Secretary De Vos, the new “Charter Prisons” will allow enterprising businessmen and women to hold humans in unique and novel ways that the federal prison system hasn’t tried yet.
Said Attorney General Sessions: “Let’s face it. The same old, same old system of just putting people in cells is not getting the job done. These new Charter Prisons allow creative administrators the freedom to make smart choices. For instance, someone might want to start a prison that keeps people in giant properly-ventilated Tupperware containers. Or perhaps they have a unique way to use caves. How about an old rundown amusement park? Right now, if you have a new idea like that, there is no way to try it out. And that is a shame.”
“Just the other day, I was having lunch with a friend, and they said ‘Why can’t we just send these people to the moon in rocket ships and be done with them once and for all?’ With Charter Prisons, we can try new ideas like that and see if they work.”
“It’s imperative that we give business people the necessary financial incentives to come up with more creative ways to incarcerate men and women.” said Secretary De Vos. “Choice is so important. A community in Iowa might want to house their convicts in a corn palace, while people in Florida might want to build their prison out of palm fronds and use alligators as prison guards. We need these ideas if we are going to succeed as a country.”
Already, the US Bureau of Prisons has been flooded with applications from the private sector to try out novel approaches. One group in Georgia is proposing to use old railroad cars stacked one on top of the other at a cost of 47 million dollars. “You see, that’s just what I’m talking about,” said Attorney General Sessions. “No one in the federal system ever would have proposed that in a million years. Now with Charter Prisons, if you can think it up, you can get government funding.”
“I’ve always want to see a prison with a moat. Wouldn’t that be something?” said Secretary De Vos. “The private sector always knows best. They just need the money to make it happen.”
Your Trusted Source for Faux News