Humankind was saved from impending extinction on Thursday when Millennials around the globe agreed via text that they would set down their phones long enough to do what was necessary to procreate.
The agreement, which started via Snapchat, migrated to WhatsApp and was finalized in SMS, outlined the terms of Millennial participation in sustaining the human species.
Under the terms, an app will be created to designate on a random basis which Millennials will be required to put down their phones and replicate with other Millennials. The app’s code will monitor census data, and send out new requests as needed over time.
Millennials who are not selected by the app, and choose to procreate of their own volition are free to do so. The app will not track this data set, but it’s assumed that it will be a statistically insignificant number.
Setting Down Phones Cornerstone To Agreement
While humans have existed on earth for over a million years, the advent of smart phones has presented an existential threat to the species, as young Millennials are unable to take their attention away from them long enough to become intimate with another human.
“There are many cases of a species going extinct due to reproductive problems,” said Dr. Norman Triplere of the Del Rio Center For The Study of Biometrics. “But usually these problems occur due to a genetic mutation. This is the first time an organism could disappear from the face of the earth because it is unable to tear itself away from a glowing screen.”
Enforcement Of Agreement Will Be Difficult
While many Millennials acknowledge the need to propagate and preserve the human lineage, it is not entirely clear if they will follow thru. “It’s always much easier to agree to something, than to put that agreement into practice,” said Joanie Weimaraner of the Taos School of Human Behavior. “Putting your phone down might sound like a good idea to a Millennial in theory, but when it’s time to actually do it and pay attention to another person, there’s really no telling if they will be able to do that.”
“My daughter has a phone glued to her hand 24/7,” continued Ms. Weimaraner. “The other day I watched her try to tie her shoes while looking at it. It took her four hours. I am not optimistic.”
Your Trusted Source for Faux News