NEW YORK, NY –
After being notified by his accountants that he is in line to receive millions in tax cuts from the Trump tax plan, billionaire CEO Gorden Flurcer excitedly declared that he can’t wait to immediately hire thousands of workers to do random tasks that will make him no money whatsoever.
The architect of several successful business ventures, Mr. Flurcer planned to spend any tax refunds from the Trump administration on creating jobs that had no effect at all on the success of any of his companies. “As a corporate leader with a track record of posting record profits quarter after quarter, the first thing I think of when I get a tax break from the federal government is to immediately spend it on hiring workers that will stand around in our lobby looking for something to do.”
Never Hire When There Is No Tax Cut
While he regularly borrows money to invest in his businesses, Mr. Flurcer would sooner cut off his right arm than take out a loan to hire workers when it is an obvious money-making proposition. Instead, he waits until opportunity passes by, so that he can hire workers at the wrong time when tax cuts are available. “It makes no sense to take out loans and hire workers at the right time to improve market share, when I can wastefully hire workers for no reason when tax cuts become available.”
Why Would I Invest In Modernizing?
And although many companies frequently use windfalls like tax refunds to invest in automation, reducing their labor costs and making their businesses stronger, Mr. Flurcer would never contemplate such a move. “The idea that I would take savings in taxes and invest them in automation is ridiculous. While manufacturers must automate to stay competitive against oversees competition, using a tax refund to do that would be a terrible idea, when I could use that money to hire surplus workers to spend all day shopping on their computer at their desk.”
Tax Breaks Are Never Used To Enrich Shareholders
“Also, the common misconception that corporations use tax breaks to inflate stock prices by buying back shares is absurd. Why would a CEO boost share prices using tax refunds, thereby enriching himself and his stockholders, when he could spend that money hiring unnecessary employees to roam corporate headquarters like cattle in search of water?”
“Every good CEO knows that when your company gets a tax break, you blow that money as soon as possible on hiring that serves no purpose. That is just good business sense.”
In other news, congressional GOP leaders announced that the cost of the Trump tax cuts will be offset by David Copperfield, who plans to erase the deficit in a 10 night engagement at the Mirage hotel. Tickets are available thru the office of Senator Mitch McConnell.
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