WASHINGTON, DC –
An amendment to the Republican health care plan was introduced today in the Senate, and it included a surprising proposal: reimbursement of cosmetic needs for farm animals.
The amendment, dubbed “Lipstick For Pigs,” was proposed as an effort to bring on board Senators from rural states who have otherwise felt ignored. “Members of the Senate from areas where farmers make up a significant portion of their voter base have complained that the new health care plan has not been focused enough on their constituencies. So, this amendment was proposed to address that concern,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
The original request, made by a group of Senators from sparsely populated states like North Dakota and Alaska, was to more fully fund rural hospitals thru Medicaid, since the cost of care is more expensive in those areas. However, this was deemed too expensive by Senators from the Freedom Caucus, so a more affordable proposal to reimburse veterinary costs for farmers was made instead.
Animals Not Humans
But the Congressional Budget Office pointed out that since animals are not human, they were not eligible to be included in the Republican health care plan, unless the reimbursed items were also used by humans. So, the compromise was made to reimburse cosmetic costs for animals, since their human owners could technically use them as well.
“Farm Animals need to feel good about themselves, just like their human owners,” said Tom Delilah of the Foundation for Animal Cosmetology, “and this amendment brings the United States into the 21st century by recognizing the rights of animals to look their best.”
Mr. Pork Chop
“Our prize pig, Mr. Pork Chop, loves to dress up.” said Norman Reinbock, who owns a farm near Pittstown, North Dakota. “It just brightens his day to wear a tutu and put on some eye shadow and lipstick. Until now, we had to shoulder the costs of those items ourselves. But it was something we did, because we knew how much it helped his self-esteem.”
“When we heard that the Republican health care plan was going to pay for a pig to have lipstick. Well, we said to ourselves: finally. Our government is listening to us and doing what the people want,” said Mr. Reinbock.
Although there is still a long process to go before the lipstick amendment would become law, Senator McConnell was optimistic. “We think we have the votes for this amendment, and by extension, the health care bill. Putting lipstick on a pig should be the finishing touch.”
Meat Packing In Style
When asked if Mr. Pork Chop going to the meat-packing facility on the following Monday along with the rest of his hogs, Mr. Reinbock confirmed the pig was going to be on the truck. “But,” he said, “the farm hands will make extra sure he looks good going up the ramp.”
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