WASHINGTON DC –
The unhappy surprises continued unabated for the embattled 45th President this week when an aide close to him pointed out that the nation’s Attorney General is not named Jeff Secessionist, but is in fact, Jeff Sessions.
Mr. Sessions, who was hand-picked by Mr. Trump to lead the justice department, said that he was always forthright with the President about his surname, and is not sure where the confusion started.
It’s Always Been Sessions
“I have always used the name of my family as a last name and never sought to mislead the President, so I’m not sure where the confusion came from,” the former US Senator from Alabama stated.
An unnamed aide to the President, who agreed to speak off the record, said he decided to correct Mr. Trump after hearing him mispronounce the Attorney General’s names repeatedly during several rallies.
“It was the fifth time in Ohio that made me realize he was not merely mispronouncing it, so I took the first opportunity afterwards to mention Mr. Sessions name. The President tried to correct my pronunciation, and insisted that his Attorney General was named Jeff Secessionist, not Jeff Sessions, at which point I deferred.”
The President later asked for an assistant to freeze-frame a YouTube video of his Attorney General on Fox news, whereupon he closely examined the name Sessions in the lower third of the screen.
Pretty Sneaky What He Did
After a few hours, the President brought his advisors and security team together for an announcement. “I just want you all to know that I have recently discovered the Attorney General is named Jeff Sessions, not Jeff Secessionist, as we’ve all been lead to believe,” said the President.
“It’s very sneaky what he did by not telling us his real name so that he could be appointed to the Head of the Justice Department. And I will look into whether CSI or some other organization can investigate this.”
Unconfirmed sources report Laurence Fishburne will be considered as a Special Prosecutor for Fake Names; however, the nomination is expected to be tabled by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McColonizer.
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