WASHINGTON DC –
In scathing remarks at the end of a press conference earlier this evening, President Trump devoted a full 20 minutes to rail against what he said was an alternate version of the universe that was bent on the destruction of his administration.
He also went on to claim that this “alt-universe” was the source of all of the problems in the country today.
While scientists have debated for centuries whether or not separate but parallel universes could exist, there was no ambiguity of their existence for the President. “The alt universe is undermining my administration constantly,” he stated. “The leaks that are coming out of the White House today have already happened in the past, and in the future, and they are coming out in droves.”
Little Green Reporters
According to the President, tiny green reporters are stealing White House secrets and eves-dropping on the President’s conversations in another dimension, and then feeding this information to reporters working in our universe.
“I have seen these little green reporters appear in my office and other rooms in the White House, and they are mean and nasty little creatures, let me tell you. They are always snooping around desks and listening into what we are saying, and then they get on their little green phones and call the fake news media and lie about what they heard.”
The President rattled off a litany of mischief that the alt-universe reporters were involved in. “They make magic holes appear in our border security fences which illegals then run through to sneak into our country. They answer the telephone when my supporters are not home and lie on survey questions to make my numbers go down. They make all the vegetables very soggy on Air Force One. They are worse than the alt-left!”
Must Be Stopped
The President said the administration was devising a strategy to address the problem. “I consulted my generals and they assured me they will take care of the little green reporters,” the President said. “They are working right now on a plan at the Pentagon to use lasers against them. They will vaporize them and stop all the leaks coming from my administration.”
“Also, the generals are making a device I can carry in my pocket that looks like an ordinary pen, but when I point it at one of the little reporters, it will zap them and they will disappear instantly,” the President said.
Alternate Universe Fun Facts
Although angry with the alternate universe, President Trump also shared some interesting facts about it.
“The alt-universe is a lot like our universe, except the Kardashians are just like normal people. No one knows who they are. Also, Omarosa ends up winning on season one of The Apprentice. And the Masters tournament is always played at Mar-A-Lago.”
Time To Go
At this point the President had to end the press conference, saying that the alternate universe had opened a hole on the floor and he had to point his pen at a little green Rachael Maddow who was making faces at him. “This is going to hurt her a lot more than it will hurt me,” he said.
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