WASHINGTON DC –
In a long-anticipated press conference after months of reviewing his options, President Trump today finally announced his administration’s new Afghan strategy in a televised statement:
“I am pleased to announce that we have a new plan for Afghans that will finally put an end to this fiasco that was started by the Obama administration. The U.S. will begin substituting cashmere in place of wool for all Afghans, effective immediately.”
More Difficult To Produce
Although it takes 4-6 specially bred goats to produce enough cashmere for the yarn needed to knit one afghan, the President said the White House would move quickly to ramp up production:
“My staff is doing a tremendous job obtaining these special cashmere goats. Kelly Anne has been feeding them in the Rose Garden. Betsy De Vos has been doing fabulous work grooming the goats. And we will begin to replace the wool with cashmere as soon as Stephen Miller can figure out how to shave one.”
Criminal That We Used Wool
“It is criminal that crooked Hillary Clinton for so long continued to use wool make the Afghans, when the obvious choice should have been cashmere. It’s softer. It lasts longer. And it feels just amazing.”
“I have three cashmere sweaters and Melania says I look great in all of them. There is nothing like cashmere, people. It’s THE BEST.”
Impact On The Budget
When asked whether substituting cashmere in future Afghans will increase the federal deficit, the President quickly responded. “The resale value alone is enough to make the change. You know what? You can take a cashmere sweater that was made two or three years ago, and you can sell that same sweater for as much as it costs to make it, sometimes even at a profit. Two to three years!”
“Also, many people don’t know this, but cashmere is extremely sensitive to temperature due to its origin in the Himalayas. It can tell when the temperature goes up even just one degree. That’s how sensitive cashmere is.”
“Cashmere is the crème de la crème. America should have only the best Afghans, and it’s a no brainer that if you want the best, they should be made from cashmere.”
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