NEW YORK, NY –
Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the Arizona sheriff whose aggressive efforts to hunt down and detain undocumented immigrants landed him a criminal conviction, wasn’t the only one smiling after being pardoned by President Trump Friday.
Across the United States convicted murderers, rapists, bank robbers and a wide assortment of other felons immediately began filing requests for pardons with the White House by the thousands.
Invigorated by the hope that if Sheriff Joe received a pardon, they suddenly might have a chance too, prisoners on death row lined up across the nation to use the phone and call their attorneys to send in the paperwork.
Walking No Problem
Convict Sam Colbers, who is serving 14 consecutive life sentences in Pittsborough Penitentiary for murder and extorsion, was enthusiastic about his chances of getting a pardon. “Joe Arpaio got his rocks off by making inmates wear pink underwear and giving them inedible food in jail. He was a sadist who thought stopping people based on the color of their skin was doing a great service to America.”
“I mean, if the President thinks THAT GUY did nothing wrong, then obviously I am going to walk no problem.”
Robbed Over A Hundred Banks
“I robbed banks for over 20 years and blew all the money on gambling, hookers and blow. But hey, I’m no racist,” said Jimmy Mandolini. “I did what I had to do to try and provide for my family, but Arpaio? He had a good job as Sheriff – all he had to do was punch a clock and take care of business.”
“Instead, he spends his time chasing guys around because they don’t have the right color skin. If that guy can get out, anyone can.”
White Collar Criminals Also Hopeful
Convicted felon Martin Shkreli, who was found guilty on two counts of securities fraud, was beaming in a New York press conference today.
“This is the best news I’ve had all year,” said the ex-CEO of Turing pharmaceuticals. “I may have raised an anti-parasite drug by 5,600 percent, potentially leaving people without a life saving medication. But Sheriff Joe?” said Mr. Shkreli, “that guy psychologically tortured prisoners just to get his name in the paper.”
“There’s no way I’m going to prison. In fact, I just ordered Knicks season tickets for next year,” said Mr. Shkreli.
“If the bar is that low, my pardon will be a slam dunk.”
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