Security Guard Unsure Of Generation Z, Decides To Bring Nunchuks To Work

Security Guard Unsure Of Generation Z, Decides To Bring Nunchuks To Work


A security guard in the Durban City Shopping Mall took extra precautions this week after a lengthy conversation with his co-worker about Generation Z, and grabbed his nunchuks off his dresser on his way into work.

The full-time employee of the shopping mall, known as “The Durb” to local teens, was discussing the younger clientele of the mall with 19 year-old co-worker Jim Bailey, when he suddenly became concerned that his standard issue 14″ mag light was not adequate protection for his safety.


A Lot Of Stuff In The News

“Oh, you know, we get the occasional shop-lifter, or maybe someone who hit the bars a little early causing trouble,” said 61 year-old Loss Prevention Specialist Lester Bagley, who has been employed at the shopping complex for 14 years. “But generally people in this neck of the woods are pretty respectful of authority. When you ask them to do something and you’re wearing a badge of some sort, they will do it.”

“But it just seems with all the stuff you see on TV, what with the Charlottesville thing and Black Lives Matters, well it makes you wonder about kids today. To be honest, I don’t really feel safe doing this job anymore.”

Generation Z, loosely defined as anyone born after 1996, comprises a wide range of young people across socioeconomic backgrounds who predictably exhibit a variety of behaviors depending on the individual. However, for Loss Prevention Specialist Bagley, it seems that this new group of youth might be a little outside the norm.


Looking At Me Funny

“I was walking past the Orange Julius the other day, and nodded hello to a couple of the kids from the neighborhood, and they just kind of looked at me. I can’t really describe it, but it was a little like they weren’t like other kids. There was something different. Like they weren’t going to play by the same rules.”

Crime statistics from the local precinct do not show a rise in crime at the mall. In fact, like most places in the US, crime rates have generally been falling in the Durban City area. But that didn’t seem to reassure to Specialist Bagley.

“Yeah, I know what people say about crime stats, but they don’t have to work day in and day out with these kids. I just get the heebie-jeebies sometimes when I’m around them. Like maybe they would just go crazy or something – you know, like fly around and do something you’re not expecting.”


Possessing Powers Of Telekinesis

A fan of late night cable TV, Specialist Bagley has been wondering if local kids possessed the power to move things with their minds. “You know, I’ve seen these shows where people can communicate with just their thoughts, and it seems like these kids can do that. Like one group will suddenly send their thoughts to a whole other group who are standing across the courtyard. It’s creepy, I’m telling you.”

“It’s like they’re in constant communication. But not like you and me. It’s like they are using their brains to talk.”


Requesting Longer Flashlights

In addition to the personal nunchuks that he now carries at work, Specialist Bagely filled out a purchase order to buy (3) 18″ flashlights and has submitted it to accounting.

“This is the bare minimum really. If the General Manager doesn’t approve the 18″ mags, I’m out of here.”

“At some point, your life becomes more important than the job. And I’m not going to be the first casualty when Generation Z uncorks whatever it is they are planning.”


Will Try invisibility Next

Jim Bailey, who works the night shift at the mall, figures he’ll tell Specialist Bagley that Generation Z possesses the power of invisibility next.

“My girlfriend is working days now, so I’ve got to get off the night shift. I’m pretty sure Lester will ask to switch with me once I tell him that these kids can disappear at will. That will really freak him out.”

“I could probably tell him they are lizard people at this point and he’d buy it,” said Mr. Bailey. “In fact, I’ll probably go with that. We’ve got a pet store the kids hang around. And lizard people has a “Z” in it.”

“Yeah, day shift here I come.”
Your Trusted Source for Faux News