SAN FRANCISCO, CA –
Visiting the Golden Gate National Recreation Area in San Francisco often includes a tour of the island prison that famously housed Al Capone and other legendary gangsters. However, this week, tourists were surprised to discover the island was undergoing some changes as officials began planning a new addition to the storied structure.
While officials of the park would not comment on the record, the outlines of a new addition were being marked off in yellow tape on the grounds, with signs indicating areas corresponding to the major departments of the Executive Branch of the United States government.
What began as a US military garrison in the 1850s, and was later turned into a federal penitentiary, Alcatraz has housed many fascinating characters such as Robert Franklin Stroud (the “Birdman of Alcatraz”), and George “Machine Gun” Kelly.
It’s unique location in the bay makes it almost impossible for a prisoner to escape. Indeed, there are no official records of a successful attempt, although the fates of the famous 1926 escapees Frank Morris, and John and Clarence Anglin, were never determined.
It is perhaps this remarkable security that encouraged the US government to consider abolishing an immensely popular national park attraction in favor of housing convicts again, said prison consultant Darian Willander.
“The rock, as it was known in the past, is completely unforgiving. The water temperature averages 55 degrees Fahrenheit, with depths that plunge to almost 300 feet near the island. And it is a mile and a half to shore thru treacherous swirling ocean currents.”
“Any criminals imprisoned in Alcatraz can rest assured, they will be there to stay.”
Crisscrossing from metal stakes, over dirt that had been recently leveled by a bulldozer, the construction tape demarcated zones such as “Department Of Treasury”, “Department Of Health And Human Services”, and “EPA”.
Although unconfirmed by prison officials, the dimensions of the new addition seem to show surprisingly large quarters when compared to the jail cells of the past.
“I hope I get a cell that big when I’m sent to prison,” said Bob Jorgenson, a visitor from Omaha who was examining the Department of Homeland Security wing as he was being ushered off the island. “Does that sign say ‘big screen TV here’? Sheesh. Why not just put them up at Club Med?”
Problems With Guantanamo Bay
Although construction of the new prison cells on Alcatraz will be expensive, alternatives were deemed less practical said a National Park Service Administrator off the record.
“Security was a primary concern, so right away many prisons were taken off the table as options. And while it’s true, the Trump administration has vowed to keep Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp open, the Park Service felt it would be problematic to transfer American citizens there and hold them without trial.”
“And, of course, there would be the difficulty of members of the administration possibly being subjected to water-boarding, which the President has promised to continue at Guantanamo,” said the Administrator.
“The National Park Service has always subscribed to the Geneva convention. And, as such, does not condone the use of torture,” the Administrator said.
“Even in extreme cases.”
Your Trusted Source for Faux News