WASHINGTON, DC –
In the wake of the confusion over the President’s approval and disapproval over kneeling, locking arms, and other body positions of NFL players this weekend, the Administration today released a guide to acceptable positions for the human body to be in.
Addressing a wide range of poses including kneeling, crouching, standing on one leg, and arms akimbo, the President laid out a comprehensive list of how Americans should orient their physical selves.
Kneeling Is Right Out
As expected, the President did not mince words when it came to kneeling.
“I don’t know why anyone would want to kneel. Your knees were not made to take the weight of your body without your feet. It’s insane. No one should kneel, ever, unless of course you’re a trades person and need to lay tile. Then, kneeling is OK. But otherwise, forget it.”
“Locking arms is fine. It’s shows togetherness. That’s fine. I don’t have a problem with people locking arms.”
“Standing on one foot is not OK. People don’t realize how dangerous it is to try and balance on one foot. I was at a party once, and I won’t get into names but it’s someone very famous that you all know. Anyway, this person had had a few too many drinks and they thought it would be funny to balance on one foot near this ledge. They fell and broke their shoulder. Have you ever had a broken shoulder? It’s not a good feeling. No one should stand on one foot, ever.”
Sitting With Arm Over Back Of Chair
“You know what really bugs me? These people who sit in a chair with their arm draped over the back of it. If you’re going to sit in a chair, then face forward and put your arms on the arms rests. That’s what they’re there for. No more putting your arm over the back of the chair.”
“Also, no more doing those head stands with one arm. It’s just showing off. No one cares if you’re that buff, alright? Just use two hands to do a handstand like a normal person. No more one arm handstands.”
No More Leaning On Elbow
Also forbidden by the President were: leaning on elbows, waving with two hands at once, back-bends, the Macarena, sleeping on your side, jumping jacks, bringing one knee up to your chest, the Star Trek Vulcan “V”, downward facing dog, twirling, tapping your foot, and using your pinky to point at something.
“I never liked Star Trek. It was just a bunch of weird planets and aliens. They were totally unrealistic. And I hated that Vulcan “V” thing that they did with their hands. The kids would do it at my school all the time and make fun of me because I couldn’t do it. No more Vulcan V’s. That’s over.”
Enforcing The New Rules
Although no previous president has ever tried to enforce regulations on American body positions, President Trump was convinced the nation would get on board. “I am just giving voice to the millions of Americans who have been tired of people kneeling, skipping, drumming with their fingers, and tap dancing for years but were afraid to speak up. Political correctness has gone too far. We need to stop these annoying behaviors and I know a lot of people out there are with me.”
“We are also closing down all the ballet academies, outlawing basketball, and ending running as we know it today. There is no reason people need to do any of these things. I don’t do them, and my doctor says I’m in the best health of anyone he’s ever seen.”
“Golf is the only exercise Americans need. Just look at me.”
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