WASHINGTON DC –
Reports that a KGB spy has been playing right field and pitching in relief for the Los Angeles Dodgers during the National League Championship Series dealt another heavy blow to officials already reeling in Washington this week.
Sources say a full investigation has been launched to find out if, indeed, Sergei “Lefty” Smirnov was not from Cuba, as he asserted, but instead was a KGB spy sent to influence the outcome of the MLB playoffs.
Probably Should Have Known Something Wasn’t Right
“Yeah. I guess if you look back on it, Lefty was kind of suspicious,” said the Dodger’s chiropractor, Grover Martinson. “First off, he only drank vodka – never beer. So, that was odd. Also, he did not speak very good English. He told us he was Spanish but his Spanish didn’t really sound like the Spanish the other Latin guys on the team were speaking. So, I guess that was probably a red flag.”
“And then there were the constant references to Mother Russia, and speaking very highly of Vladimir Lenin. And Sputnik,” said Martinson.
“I remembered he liked chicken kiev, beef stroganhoff and borscht,” recalled Fred Billie, who served meals in the team cafeteria before games. “But I just chalked that up to his Spanish upbringing.”
Carried A Gun With A Silencer
Los Angeles is not known as a hot bed of gun rights activism, so it was a little out of the ordinary that Lefty had a gun with a silencer, admitted bullpen coach Marv Stelmazik. “But there are a lot of strange characters in the bullpen. One guy used to bring a dead chicken to every game, because it was supposed to be good luck in the town he came from in Haiti. So, I never question what the guys bring. If it helps them get a few outs, I’m all for it.”
“He did also have this ‘I Hate America’ t-shirt that he wore. And there was this other shirt with weird lettering on it that said CCCP – I guess that was probably a Russian thing,” continued Martinson.
“We all thought that he was weird for a Spanish guy – but he said he was from Cuba which is communist. So, I guess that kind of allayed our suspicions.”
Will Probably See A Lot Of Innings
Despite the investigation, Smirnov should see a lot of work in the upcoming World Series, said Manager Dave Roberts. “His delivery is a little unorthodox, but he gets the job done. Also, opposing teams seem to fear him.”
“It’s like they are afraid to swing, honestly. Not really sure what that’s about,” said Roberts. “But we’re looking forward to seeing what he can do. And may the best team win.”
The World Series begins October 24th.
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