WASHINGTON DC –
Although normally quite busy, especially during the Halloween season, the Devil this week has agreed to step in and settle your dispute over a $40 overdraft fee that your bank said was valid, even though you know that you had deposited funds the day before to cover it.
Too Good To Be True
On the heels of the vote by congress to strip consumers of their right to file class-action lawsuits against financial institutions, the Devil decided to make time to serve as arbitrator for the fight you’ve been having with your bank.
“I have a lot of evil to do in the world, and it’s a full time job,” said the Devil, “but arbitrating for banks when consumers have a complaint is something I just can’t pass up. It was great to see congress pass that law.”
Although you’ve painstakingly gathered evidence to support your claim, had your brother scan some documents for you, crafted a point-by-point letter explaining why the bank was incorrect, and paid for certified mail delivery, the Devil will rule in favor of the bank.
“Nobody buries fiendish rules in the fine print like a financial institution,” said the Devil. “Honestly, they do my work for me – I just get to enjoy the look on the person’s face when they discover they are powerless against the corporate giant and its army of lawyers. It’s really a treat.”
Fee To Arbitrate Very Reasonable
Although he’s able to command hefty payments for his services, the Devil will rule in favor of your bank for a nominal fee.
“I would happily do this job for nothing,” the Devil said. “It’s like getting paid to eat a really great piece of chocolate cake, or to take a nap. I almost feel bad taking the money because I enjoy it so much. It’s the best part of my day by far.”
“And of course, helping Wall Street at the expense of individual consumers is a huge bonus. It’s the cherry on top.”
Will Attend Signing Ceremony At White House
Despite being scheduled to orchestrate a variety of murders, wars, and natural disasters this month, the Devil plans to be present when President Trump enacts the bill into law. “I usually have some business at the White House each week,” he said. “So, I’ll just coordinate that trip with the signing ceremony.”
“I’ve learned over the years that you have to take time out for the little pleasures each day. Whether that’s tripping an elderly person crossing the street, arbitrating on behalf of powerful corporations against their customers, or watching the President sign a law that’s harmful to the people who elected him.”
“They say the devil is in the details, and it’s so true. And this is one detail I don’t want to miss.”
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