JFK Files Shocker: Mario Has A Penis

JFK Files Shocker: Mario Has A Penis


The US National Archives released thousands of documents related to the assassination of President John F. Kennedy Thursday, and among the amazing secrets revealed: beloved animated character Mario from the popular Nintendo game has a penis.

The papers, which were posted online by the National Archives in compliance with a 1992 law requiring their release after 25 years, contained new information on the tragic assassination, as well as random pieces of paper that investigators had put in the file over the years.

It was one such piece of paper that showed unequivocally that Mario indeed has an anatomically correct penis, a subject that has long perplexed fans around the world.


An Investigator Might Have Been A Mario Fan

Exactly how the Mario image came to be part of the JFK files remains a mystery. However, the broad powers given to congressional investigators sometimes lead to discoveries outside the initial scope of an investigation as evidence is gathered.

The Warren Commission, which was formed in 1963 in part to combat rumors of a conspiracy that swirled around the murder, did not include video game characters in its initial scope. However, there could have been investigators handling the files that played Nintendo, or were looking into the Mario penis question as part of a separate investigation.


Boss Might Have Stopped By

Herman Gorschund, a former congressional staffer, theorized on how the document might have become part of the archives:

“Let’s say that, theortically, an investigator who was in charge of keeping the files safe in his office was a fan of Mario Carts, and sometimes played in his office after hours. And let’s say that same investigator was paging thru the JFK files one night out of boredom, and he happened to have a document related to the Mario penis question on his desk.”

“The Mario document could have easily been transfered into the JFK files if, say, the investigator’s boss suddenly appeared at his door and the investigator wanted to hide the Mario penis image, thinking that it might seem weird he was looking at it.”

“Or,” continued Mr. Gorschund, “perhaps the Mario penis evidence was submitted for a separate investigation, but the evidence number on the envelope became smudged, and it was wrongly stuffed into the JFK investigation files by mistake.”

“These things happen every day in evidence rooms around the world,” he said.

In fact, given that the JFK files were created 50 years ago, there’s no telling what might have been tucked away in there.


Big Foot A Possibility

“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what people find now that the documents have been released,” Mr. Gorschund said. “Given that investigators have access to the same bizarre conspiracies that we all do on the internet, just about anything could be in there.”

Items that could come to light as journalists scour the files might include evidence of Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster, extra-terrestrials, and lizard people running the government.

“The only thing we definitely won’t see is any incriminating evidence of the Russians colluding with Donald Trump to steal the election,” said Mr. Gorschund. “The current administration would be able to block release of those as harmful to national security.”

“For that evidence, we’ll probably have to wait until they release the files from the fake moon landings, probably around 2036.”


Your Trusted Source for Faux News