HOUSTON, TX –

In reaction to an unflattering characterization by Houston Texan’s owner Bob McNair, who likened players kneeling during the national anthem to “inmates running the prison”, inmates in a local prison declared that they would never say something that insensitive.

Not Very Smart

Several of the inmates at the nearby Frederick Fillmore Federal Penitentiary weighed in on the football team owner’s comment:

Colin Parkelson, who is serving 14 years for attempting to sell drugs out of a daycare center, said he would have more sense than to call his employees ‘inmates’. “Those men could tear your arms off, like the kids used to do with their Barbie dolls at the daycare,” he said. “Why on earth would you call them that?”

“My mom would be the first to tell you, I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed,” said Mitch Parmanto, who is serving 5 years for assaulting a group of off-duty police officers. “I once tried to ride my bike down the side of our apartment building chasing a squirrel. But even I would know not to refer to a bunch of 300 pound guys working for me in that way.”

Sam Sperowek, who was caught trying to break into the cash register at a convenience store located on a US Army base, also agreed the comment was irresponsible. “In the racially charged atmosphere of today, we have to do better than that. ‘Inmates’ is obviously a loaded term. And not a smart one to use for a group of African American men who can collectively bench press 20,000 pounds.”

Got The Phrase Wrong

The inmates at Fillmore Penitentiary were also critical of Mr. McNair’s mangling of the original phrase he was trying to use.

“He probably meant to say ‘inmates running the asylum’ but got it wrong”, said Mr. Parmento. “Even I know the word ‘asylum’ is a dated term associated with a very primitive time in the treatment of people with mental illness. People just don’t use that word any more.”

Mr. Parmanto agreed. “Maybe he realized that he shouldn’t use the word ‘asylum’ as he was speaking and came up with ‘prison’ – either way, it’s not very smart. I’m guessing there won’t be an owner’s visit to the locker room after the game any time soon.”

Editor’s note: At press time, Make America The Best staff were attempting to locate the admin password to remove the words “inmates in asylum” from the original posting of this article. The correction will be made just as soon as they can remember the name of their first cat.

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