NEW YORK, NY –
Detectives made a grisly discovery in Brooklyn this week as another victim was found in a string of unsolved murders committed by a woman police have dubbed the “Legwarmer Murderer”.
Known for wearing rainbow-colored legwarmers, a popular 1980s fashion and workout item, the Legwarmer Murderer approaches victims with questions about 1980’s pop culture, and decides whether to kill them based on their responses.
“She’s very crafty,” said Sergeant Richard Halliburt of the 77th Precinct. “Typically witnesses are so distracted by the multi-colored neon legwear and pink socks that they fail to remember anything else about her.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Smurfs?
A few lucky victims have survived an encounter with the killer by answering her trivia questions correctly. “I play on a bar trivia team on Wednesdays at Farrelly’s over on 7th Ave,” said Brooklyn resident Mike Muellert, “so, I was fortunate to know the answer to ‘what is ET’s favorite candy?’ – if I hadn’t, I might not be here talking to you today.”
Others haven’t been so lucky. Missing questions such as ‘which 80’s game show featured the “Whammy”?’ or ‘what was Maggie Seaver’s maiden name on Growing Pains?’ could lead to a gruesome end.
In response to incorrect answers, victims have suffered from a variety of deadly attacks including electrocution by boombox, being gagged to death with a spoon, or strangled with a leather keyboard tie.
Oh Mickey You’re So Fine
A chilling calling card of the killer is a penchant for whistling the tune “Mickey” as she stalks her victims. The song, made famous by singer and choreographer Toni Basil, was a smash hit in the early 1980s.
“It sent a chill down my spine,” said a maintenance worker who lives in the area, and asked not to be named for fear of reprisals. “The whistling was kind of tuneless, but you could hear the refrain clear as day: Oh Mickey… you’re so fine… you’re so fine you blow my mind… Hey, Mickey’ – it makes your blood run cold just thinking about it.”
Impossible To Solve
As if to taunt police, the killer always leaves an unsolved Rubik’s cube at the scene of the murders.
“We have not been able to solve any of these cubes, let alone the murders,” said Detective Frank Gonocciolo. “My son said you can just look it up on the internet, but you know that would be cheating. So, the guys take turns working on the cubes in their spare time. You can see why they were popular. They’re kind of addicting.”
As to how long the Legwarmer Murderer will continue her rein of terror, the detective could only speculate. “We’re instructing people not to spazz out, but remain calm to the max. These murders are totally bogus, but by the power of Greyskull we will catch this smooth operator.”
makeamericathebest.com
Your Trusted Source for Faux News