WASHINGTON, DC –
Despite never having tried a case before a jury, or spent a single day studying the law, the White House has nominated resident of South Park, Colorado, Eric Cartman as an appointee to a lifetime federal district court judgeship.
ABA Not Consulted
While most presidents traditionally submit proposed nominees to the American Bar Association to screen out potentially problematic candidates before seeking full Senate approval, Mr. Trump has eschewed that process, leaving Senators to wonder whether the nominees are being vetted at all?
“I assume the President must be a fan of the show,” said Parker Norinson of the Judicial Watch Group. “I can’t imagine how else a 9 year-old could be nominated to oversee a federal court. That said, Mr. Cartman definitely fits the Trump mold of someone who will say anything that comes to mind no matter how offensive or hateful or untruthful it may be.”
Just The Kind Of Independent Voice We Need
Well known for his inflammatory and degrading statements such as “Dolphins, Eskimos, Who cares? It’s all a bunch of hippie crap,” Mr. Cartman may prove to be a contentious nominee on the Senate floor.
He has attacked a variety of groups, including gays, minorities, and even people with red hair. Incidents involving Mr. Cartman that may draw scrutiny include: donning a Hitler costume in an effort to incite a second coming of the Third Reich against the Jews; and devising a money-making scheme that took advantage of handicapped participants in the Special Olympics.
Still, the White House issued a statement praising Mr. Cartman: “His refusal to be intimidated by political correctness, and his strong convictions are exactly the kind of qualities we need in our judicial system.”
Views On Gender Issues
Some feminist critics have questioned whether Mr. Cartman can be even-handed when it comes to deciding cases that involve discrimination against women.
Said the Director of Women’s Studies at Conwed University in Vermont, Gale Nortons: “Eric Cartman is absolutely unqualified to serve on the federal bench. Statements such as ‘when a chick says we need to talk, you might as well punch yourself in the balls, dude’ and ‘it’s a man’s obligation to stick his boneration in a woman’s separation’ show a complete disregard for gender rights, not to mention an utter lack of human decency.”
However, the White House defended Mr. Cartman as a “clear-eyed thinker who won’t be swayed by special interest groups, and will interpret the constitution as he sees fit.”
Nomination Moving Forward
The Senate Judiciary Committee approved Mr. Cartman’s nomination to move to the Senate floor in a vote that fell along party lines, with Republican members voting in favor 11 to 9.
Although the White House had several more candidates rated “unqualified” recently by the ABA, it appears that other controversial nominees will come before the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Scheduled to appear before the committee next week are: Lex Luthor, Br’er Rabbit and the racist character from 12 Angry Men.
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