PLANET GLORTON, ANDROMEDA GALAXY –

After a long journey in his plutonium-powered spacecraft, Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer landed safely on his home planet this week, and appeared before the Galactic Council to inform them of the completion of his assignment.

His full report to Glurb, Supreme Leader of Glorton, detailed the success of his mission on Earth, and confirmed that the planet was now ready for invasion and ultimate conquest.

Glad To Be Back

While Commander Spicer enjoyed the challenge of his mission, which involved impersonating a human and weakening the global world order by sowing confusion and chaos, he was glad to be back home.

“Earth women are very beautiful, and the climate there was much warmer than here on Glorton, but I did not enjoy their food,” said the Commander. “The many earth cheeseburgers I was forced to consume to maintain my cover were not pleasant. I much prefer Zorka worms and am looking forward to eating a barrel of them tonight,” he said.

Invasion Of Earth

To complete the mission, which required special training in psychological warfare, the Commander had to gain the trust of the most powerful man on Earth and then speak on his behalf to destabilize the planet’s social strucures.

“By spreading misinformation and lies, we break the bonds of trust between the inhabitants and their leader, so that our invading armies encounter little resistance,” he said. “However, this particular ruler was already contradicting himself so much, I just repeated whatever he said. In the end, I wasn’t really needed, so I headed back to Glorton.”

Getting Caught Up

Asked what he will do now that he is home, Commander Spicer said he will remain on the base until his next assignment, working out in the gym and catching up with friends.

“I record all the Gloobaa League games on DVR when I’m away and watch them when I get back, so I have to be careful not to look at any of the scores for the last 46 years. Also, I will check in with my pod siblings and visit the puddle where we were hatched.”

The Work Continues

Upon conclusion of Commander Spicer’s official report to the Galactic Council, Supreme Leader Glurb called the Commander a bumbling idiot, and questioned why he had to be surrounded by so many fools, imbeciles and nincompoops.

The invasion will begin Tuesday.

 
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