CLEVELAND, OH –
Saying that he wanted to “show these kids how a full-ass grown man plays this game,” 57 year-old Isiah Thomas returned to the NBA this week with the Cleveland Cavaliers and promptly scored 127 points with 37 rebounds and 14 blocked shots Tuesday night.
In an aggressive display of dominance over an opposing team that few can remember having seen before in a professional match up, the former Detroit Piston and coach for the New York Knicks, playing in his trademark sport coat and street shoes, scored at will despite having not played in the league since 1994.
Mr. Thomas, who reportedly is unimpressed with today’s superstars, was a force on the court during the entire 48 minutes of the game, which he refused to come out of. Repeatedly backing up younger men half his age toward the basket before turning and delivering thunderous dunks over their outstretched arms, he peppered them with quips such as “how’d you like that one, Spongebob?,” and “you’d better have your mom call an Uber.”
The normally mild-mannered Mr. Thomas, a 12-time all-star with the Detroit Pistons, seemed to go out of his way to embarrass and humiliate opposing players, pointing them out and calling them by name before driving past for easy layups.
“I’ve never seen anyone torch a high school team like that, let alone seasoned NBA players,” said play-by-play announcer Walter Gerkins. “At a certain point, it got hard to watch. It’s not pretty to see a grown man cry at the free throw line because he was so broken down by an opposing defender’s flagrant foul.”
Even Mr. Thomas’ own teammates were chastened by the ex-NBA great when he at one point ordered the “young whippersnappers” to sit down on the bench for playing such poor defense, after which he successfully shut out the opposing team by himself for a 7-minute stretch.
Will Come Back Again If He Hears Any More About It
Mr. Thomas, who announced he was going back into retirement at a press conference after the game, promised to return if he heard anyone talking “any more crap about how tough the NBA is nowadays”.
He further told the opposing team to stay out of his yard, and if he saw them goofing off again, he was going to call the operator and get their parents’ number.
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