WASHINGTON DC –
Tired of the negative attention in the press, and the clamoring of citizens in their districts to do something about the death toll in the nation’s schools, Republicans in conjunction with the NRA proposed a new initiative today to arm 6th graders across the country with military-grade weapons to ward off would-be attackers.
The new initiative, called “Armed and Learning,” calls for distribution of rifles and assault grade ammunition across the country to children attending elementary school age 11 or older.
Protecting The Innocent
“For too long, we have watched the mentally unstable in our communities take up arms against a defenseless population in our school,” said Reece Newmanson, of the gun right’s lobbying organiztion Guns Now. “It’s high time we give our children the ability to fight back against these aggressors, and supplying schools with AR-15s is an excellent step in the right direction.”
Longtime supporters of the 2nd amendment, Republicans in congress hailed the proposal as a boon to gun rights for all Americans.
“This is way past due,” said Nat O’Reilly, who is running for the 6th district congressional seat of Alabama. “We need to give children the firepower to defend themselves when some nut job comes along. Assault rifles, in tandem with careful instructions on how to use a bump stock for maximum burst, will prevent these senseless tragedies from ever occurring again in the future.”
A Necessary Step
Although teacher’s unions and school administrators were universally alarmed by the prospect of children with loaded weapons at the height of puberty sitting in their classrooms, Republican leaders said the time had come to do something.
“We must protect our children,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, “and given the fact that we cannot hinder or infringe on any right of any American to own the gun of their choice, no matter how lethal, and regardless of what crazy ideas they espouse on social media, it seems to us that arming our 6th grade population seems like a sensible next step.”
Gun manufacturers voiced full-throated support for the measure, saying that not only will the new measure help protect students, it will result in much-needed job growth.
Said Speaker Paul Ryan: “I am sad that the only possible recourse we have to stopping the relentless death toll in our children’s schools is to pour guns and ammunition into them, hoping that children will use them wisely, but we simply cannot allow these shootings to continue without a response in light of the upcoming midterm elections.”
Willing To Give It A Try
Although some children were unnerved by the idea of being given fully-automatic weaponry loaded with ammunition to carry around school grounds, others were more sanguine.
“This is gonna be AWESOME!” said Kyle Reimschmelder of Kinimee Springs, Florida. “My dad and I shoot at the range on the weekends, but he’s never let me shoot a real AR-15 before. I can’t wait to run home and shoot some stuff in the backyard. That dog next store is in for a real wake-up call!”
The House Expects to take up a floor vote by Wednesday and the Senate is expected to fast track the bill to President Trump, who has promised to sign it immediately. Disbursement of weapons, which will be handled by the Army, should hit the first wave of elementary schools in early spring.
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