Nation’s Underperforming Schools To Be Converted Into Amway Distributorships

Nation’s Underperforming Schools To Be Converted Into Amway Distributorships


In a move designed to spark initiative and entrepreneurial spirit in the nation’s most challenged classrooms, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos announced today that poor children across America will no longer receive traditional classroom instruction, and instead will begin training to sell Amway products full time.

Ms. DeVos, who is married to the son of Amway co-founder Richard DeVos, said that turning public schools into distribution points for Amway products will “enhance children’s understanding of how capitalism works” and provide a framework for them to transition into the workforce when they reach 18.


Addresses Chronic Need For More Help At Malls

“By becoming an Amway Team Member, children will learn the ABCs of how to sell the nutrition, beauty, and bath and body product categories, preparing them to fulfill the many jobs at malls and retail stores across the country which suffer from a lack of quality help,” said Ms. DeVos.

“How many times have you walked into a store and had to wait for 5 or 10 minutes for someone to help you? It’s not fun, I can tell you,” she said. “We are hoping with this initiative to make that kind of waiting a thing of the past.”

The move is expected to save millions of dollars as teachers across the country are laid off and schools are converted into warehouse space to store cases of the company’s many product lines. Teachers affected by the layoffs are welcome to apply to drive forklifts and act as shift supervisors, although their base pay will be reduced slightly from the salary they earned as a classroom instructor.


Expects Support Of The Teachers

Secretary of Education DeVos expects that many teachers will be energized by the chance to make a different kind of difference for the children they have taught up until now. “It must have been very frustrating for these public school teachers to see their budgets cut over and over, year after year, and the money redirected to private schools in the form of voucher programs,” said the Secretary.

“No doubt many of them will welcome this chance to give their former students a leg up in the economy by teaching them something they can actually use – like how to stock a shelf.”


Not A Surprise

Although the move to close public schools in poor neighborhoods was met with an outcry by advocates for children across the country, many of them were not surprised by the announcement.

“To be honest, the dumbest people on planet earth are running the country right now,” said one school superintendent who asked not to be named. “It’s no surprise that they want to make the rest of the country as dumb as they are. I guess this is a step in that direction.”
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