WASHINGTON DC –
As the nation grieves the shooting deaths of four people in a Nashville restaurant by an assailant with an assault rifle, a group of people who spend every waking moment at the White House gate asking to see the president expressed thanks to the NRA for fighting hard every day to protect their right to carry automatic weapons.
Right To Bear Arms
“It’s no secret that liberals mean to deprive me of my right to select the assault weapon of my choice to shoot as I see fit,” said Morris Grandbergen of Norbin, Oklahoma, who has spent the last 3 weeks yelling thru the fence at the White House demanding the president come out and meet his pet turtle.
“Make no mistake, there is nothing the government would like better than to remove the 6,000 rounds of high-powered hollow-point ammunition and small arsenal of automatic weapons I have assembled in my garage,” said Mr. Grandbergen. “I am just thankful that the NRA has my back, so that I can devote my time to writing the White House thirty-two letters a day asking to schedule an appointment for President Trump to meet Wilfred Snapper.”
Knitted Over 3,000 Bears For President
Janice Meddlesbrough of Seemans, North Dakota, was also glad that the NRA works hard to preserve her right to carry concealed weapons.
“I knit my first batch of bears for President Bush back in 2004,” said the former grade school teacher and gun enthusiast. “It was only brown bears back then, but I’ve knit green bears, purple bears, and even stripeys thru the years.”
“I don’t have time to combat the deep state conspiracy to take away my seven M-24 long range rifles with military grade scopes. But luckily, the NRA does. So I can focus on knitting this orange bear with a handlebar mustachio for our commander-in-chief.”
Wants To Share Leech Collection
“There are over 32,000 different species of leeches in my collection,” said Roman Marlswark of Secauphony, Mississippi. “But I name only the most handsome specimens after Presidents.”
“President Gerald Leech, President Richard Leech, President Jimmy Leech. I’ve named them all. And I am very thankful that the NRA is protecting my right to encircle the first floor of my house with machine gun nests to protect my valuable collection, so I can devote my time to my leech presidents.”
Mr. Marlswark, who emails the White House every day asking to visit, said “it would be my greatest honor to someday introduce President Trump to his namesake President Donald Leech. And also discuss the fact that dinosaurs still live in parts of Western Canada.”
Can Recite The Lord Of The Rings Backwards
“I don’t know if the NRA supports my right to own the 24 rocket-propelled grenades and various other explosives I keep in my house,” said Norm Writewater of Trailsdale, Arizona. “But I’ve never heard them say they DIDN’T support them.”
“Either way, I’m glad they are busy preserving my cherished second amendment rights. It allows me to spend every waking hour memorizing the 1,178 pages of the ‘Lord Of The Rings’ backwards, which I hope to repeat for the president in person very soon over a horn of mead, and a filet of dragon meat.”
“That is, just as soon as my restraining order expires and I’m allowed within 1,000 yards of the White House gates.”
Your Trusted Source for Faux News.