WASHINGTON DC –

Saying that he has “no problems with the gays”, and claiming that he wasn’t targeting any specific group, President Donald Trump announced punishing new tariffs on the imports of glitter this afternoon after seeing several clips of Pride celebrations on Fox News.

“Believe me, I don’t care what people do behind closed doors or in closets, although if you ask me, some of the stuff these people do is offensive, but that’s their business. The point is – we cannot have these countries taking jobs away from Americans by dumping their glitter in our streets.”

“There must be 1000 pounds of glitter in some of these canons,” said the president, exasperated.

Military Parades Excluded From Tariffs

Although the new tariffs will increase the costs of glitter for celebrations across the country, the president did outline some exceptions to the 500% tariffs:

“If the military needs to buy glitter for a parade in Washington in front of the White House on Pennsylvania Avenue, then that would be an exception based on national security.”

“Also, glitter for celebrations and rallies for the president would not be subject to the tariffs, for the same reason.”

Free To Buy From US Producers

“Despite the lack of patriotism these people display in buying glitter from the Chinese,” the president stated, “they would, of course, be free to buy their glitter from American companies.”

“However, whether American companies want to sell the glitter is up to them” he said, as the vice president and several evangelical leaders looked on during the press conference. “That’s a decision each company will need to make, which they can decide on religious grounds, since this is, of course, a free country.”

In response to the president’s announcement, organizers of several Pride festivals played a 2007 dance remix of Cher’s “Believe”, and turned up the volume to 11.

 
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