HELSINKI, FINLAND –

Held beneath banners announcing the upcoming election, a face-to-face presidential debate on Tuesday night was a no-holds barred, gloves-off match-up between front-runner Vladimir Putin and challenger Donald Trump.

Unlike previous years’ debates, this one was more boxing match than civil discourse — with both candidates speaking over one another, both constantly ignoring moderators and frustrating every attempt to reign them to order.

I Will Become The Next President Of Helsinki

Unaware of Finland’s Constitutional requirement that the president be a native-born citizen, the two men exchanged barbs for well over two-and-a-half hours, with both candidates finishing strong, but neither delivering a clear knockout punch.

President Trump vowed he would make Helsinki great again, and said his supporters would carry him to victory. “You should see my people. They make the most beautiful crowd. And they can’t wait to vote me into office – I will be the greatest President Helsinki has ever seen.”

President Putin also expressed confidence in his victory but was more circumspect, making reference to freedom fighters that have recently appeared on the outskirts of Helsinki, who are in no way affiliated with the Russian government.

A Unified Scandinavia

Although the powers of the office of president in Finland have decreased in the late 20th and early 21st centuries, both candidates vowed to abolish parliament and the office of prime minister, and pledged to immediately invade Sweden and Norway to rid Scandinavia of democratic socialism, cross-country skiing, and the abomination of lutefisk once and for all.

 
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