THE PENTAGON –
Lashing out at what he saw as a threat to national security after being told of an unflattering comment about himself, President Donald Trump today revoked all security privileges for the Home Alone child star MacCauley Culkin, effective immediately.
Although Mr. Culkin has no security privileges or access to government classified documents of any kind, the President barred him from being given top secret memos and files, and forbid him from logging into NSA, CIA or FBI servers.
Furthermore, the former child actor will not be allowed to attend high level briefings, sit in on cabinet meetings, or “be present in the situation room when a situation is happening,” the president said.
That Movie Would Have Been Nothing Without Me
The president became angry, sources reported, when Mr. Caulkin was asked if he preferred working on Home Alone 1 or 2, and responded he preferred Home Alone 1, because it had “100 percent less Trump. LOL.”
“First of all, I MADE that movie,” said the president. “Home Alone 2 would have bombed if I hadn’t agreed to be in it. In fact, the producers begged me to do it – I said I was very busy and no thanks – but they wouldn’t let up. One of them even cried. SAD.”
Profiting Off The Government
The president, who has traveled to and plugged many of his properties around the world throughout his term in office, complained Mr. Culkin was enriching himself thru the use of his clearance.
“It’s sickening, these child stars that profit off of their top secret clearances. How much has that Urkel kid made from his? Millions, I’m telling you.”
“Every time someone needs to look something up, they just call these child celebrities with high level FBI and CIA credentials and pay them thousands of dollars to dig up the dirt. Well, guess what? – MacCauley Culkin’s access to Navy Seal files is finished. He’ll have to call one of his buddies now if he needs some info.”
Not Neil Patrick Harris
“Also, he was never funny again after appearing with me in Home Alone 2. ‘How I Met Your Mother’ was very lame,’ the president said, apparently confusing Mr. Culkin with another child star, actor Neil Patrick Harris.
“Although I will say that Starship Troopers was a pretty good film – but what made it good was the script. Macauley Culkin – not so much.”
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