President Trump Swears Unholy Vengeance Upon All Canadian Cows

President Trump Swears Unholy Vengeance Upon All Canadian Cows


In a remarkable departure from presidential decorum, Donald Trump today unsettled the Washington establishment when he was overcome with a terrible fervor in the Lincoln bedroom, swearing to the heavens that he would visit all manner of evil upon the bovine population of the United State’s northernmost neighbor, or die in the attempt.


Oaths Of Revenge

In a fit of pique, the president switched the television off in the midst of Fox & Friends and jumped from his seat, animatedly gesturing as he pledged to visit malice upon Canadian livestock everywhere:

“Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering cow; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.”

Taken aback by the sudden display of emotion, White House staff retreated into the hallway as the president held forth with a hoary visage and unearthly tone:

“Sink all coffins and all hearses to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, though tied to thee, thou damned COW!”


A Little Edgy

“He has been a little sensitive since they started renegotiating the NAFTA agreement,” said one of the White House upstairs Ushers who spoke on condition that his last name not be used.

“The other day, we found a picture of a cow that he had someone print up on a computer, and he just drew a big, red ‘X’ right thru it, and then stabbed it with the presidential letter opener. To be perfectly honest, it was a little disturbing.”

Later, in the Rose Garden, the president was overheard shouting by numerous White House staff:

“”What is it, what nameless, inscrutable, unearthly thing is it; what cozening, hidden lord and master, and cruel, remorseless emperor commands me; that against all natural lovings and longings, I wreak vengeance on these cows?”

“We’re hoping a couple days in Mar-A-Lago will help calm him down,” said an administrative aid, referring to the president’s travel this weekend. “I don’t think they have a lot of livestock in that area of Florida, and we’ve been told not to mention the “C” word while we’re down there. A couple rounds of golf and I’m sure he’ll be right as rain.”


Unscheduled Detour

Although Air Force One was scheduled to depart for Palm Beach later in the day, sources reported that the flight plan had been altered to include a stop in the province of Alberta. And several crates of harpoons had been loaded into the luggage compartment with extremely sharp barbs.

As a precautionary measure, according to Canadian sources, all members of The Canadian Food Inspection Agency have been placed on high alert.
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