BERN, SWITZERLAND –
Astrophysicists who have been working for decades to define the shape of the universe released their findings today in the journal Astroscience, revealing that it is the exact shape of an iPhone 7s.
“We were as surprised an anyone,” said the lead technician on the project, Professor Luken Balden. “But the shape of the universe is, in fact, identical to this popular American cellular phone.”
Asked what his team thought of the discovery, Professor Balden responded: “go figure!”
Came Out Of Left Field
While many theories of the cosmos’ shape have been proposed over the years, from hyperspheres to hyperbolics, “no one really knew – was it a square? was it football-shaped?” said Lu Shu Wei, Chairman of the Physics Department at Vandross University.
Using a carfeul analysis of background radiation data provided by NASA’s Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe, the team painstakingly plotted the outer boundaries for 3 years.
“After 2 years, we had the general outline of a 7s – but when the last data points replicated the exact button placement on the phone – even down to the ringer switch – well, it was a head-scratcher to say the least.”
What Does It Mean?
Now that the shape of the universe has been revealed, it’s left to the rest of humanity to decipher whether there is a cosmic meaning behind it all.
Egyptian hieroglyphs, Mayan temples, and early cave paintings all contain shapes that closely resemble the iPhone.
Reverend James Blackshom at the Christ’s School of Divinity Teachings posited that Jesus may have used an iPhone to call God while on earth. “It’s unknown to us how exactly he communicated with his Father. However, we do know that Jesus frequently stepped outside when it was time to do so.”
“And according to the Bible, the disciples could only hear Jesus’ side of the conversation – leading one to believe that he might have employed a smart phone or similar device.”
Certainly Steve Jobs, who helped design the phone, could have been influenced by stories and images like these. However, a spokesperson from Apple did not respond to a request for comment.
“In the end,” said Professor Balden, “each person will have to make up their own mind whether there is any significance to the universe’s shape.”
“Are we drawn to this product because of some greater cosmic connection to the way it looks? Or are we all, in fact, just living inside a phone in some teenager’s backpack, waiting to be smashed to bits when it falls to the ground as he gets out of a minivan late for school?”
Next Week: Make America The Best reviews the 10 most highly-rated iPhone cases for impact resistance that you should be putting on your son or daughter’s iPhones like right now.
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