TUSCALOOSA, AL –
A federal judge this week released a local man who had been on death row for fourteen years after new evidence was discovered showing he was at the beach the entire time during the week of the murder.
Calendars Do Not Lie
“The calendar, which was found by the defendant’s mother, shows the defendant was at the beach when the crime occurred,” said Justice Rance Piltine of the 11th Circuit of the Court of Appeals. “The words ‘Beach Week’ are clearly written across the days when the murder took place, as well as the alleged burying of the body, and the period when three witnesses to the crime were also murdered.”
“He could not have possibly committed the crime according to this calendar,” the judge said.
Incontrovertible Evidence
Despite the man being convicted using DNA evidence, fingerprints, eyewitness testimony, and a strong financial motive, the district attorney had to agree the calendar showed he was not in the vicinity:
“Although my own wife, who had known the alleged assailant for 17 years and saw him walk out of the victim’s home with a gun, testified to the opposite, apparently this man was nowhere near the scene of the crime as evidenced by this calendar which was found recently in a dresser drawer.”
To Be Freed Immediately
“In light of this new evidence, we have no recourse except to order the release of the accused,” said Judge Piltine, “and to sincerely apologize for the long years he has suffered in jail for a crime he so obviously did not commit, as shown by the words “Beach Week” written in blue pen across the week in question.”
Headed For Mexico
Upon being set free, the alleged assailant ran across the street, carjacked a senior citizen, and fled for the Mexican border.
Although currently pursuing the man by helicopter for the carjacking, authorities have been careful to say they will be examining any and all calendars to be sure that the man isn’t actually still in prison, instead of driving a late model Ford sedan at 107 miles per hour down Interstate Highway 59.
Stay tuned for further developments.
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