Democrats Issue Ultimatum To Donald Trump: Do Not Juggle Chainsaws

Democrats Issue Ultimatum To Donald Trump: Do Not Juggle Chainsaws


In a harshly worded statement that left no room for interpretation, leaders of the democratic party today demanded in no uncertain terms that President Trump must not, under any circumstances, attempt to juggle chainsaws. And further, that if he does, he must never do so while wearing a blindfold.


Redline In The Sand

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was emphatic in forbidding the president from performing this act.

“We have been patient enough with this administration,” said Senator Schumer. “But today we have come to a bridge that the president must not cross.”

“We can forgive the tariffs, the persecution of gold star parents, the separation of children from parents at the border,” said the senior lawmaker. “But if he were to begin throwing live chainsaws into the air and trying to toss and catch them without the benefit of sight – well, for the democratic party, that would be an unforgivable offense.”


Indefensible In The Minds Of Liberals

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi further outlined the democrats’ no compromise position.

“Not only do we forbid the president from obtaining and juggling chainsaws, but we demand he not use any bar longer than 20 inches, or with more than 84 teeth. Also he must not wear slippery shoes, select a spot for juggling with water on the floor, or take cold medications before doing so.”

“We call on the president to do the right thing,” said Representative Pelosi, “allow his better angels to prevail, and refrain from firing up and juggling three 29-pound Husqvarna 3120 XPs under any circumstance.”


Mulling His Options

White House Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders said “the president has no plans at this time to juggle chain saws with or without a blindfold.”

“But if, in fact, he was considering it,” she continued, “it would be completely his decision, and under no circumstances would he allow liberal protests, political correctness, or other democratic schemes to interfere with what he thinks is the right thing to do.”

While no chainsaws have been seen in the White House, a large trailer from a local Husqvarna dealership has been parked on the South Lawn for several hours, and an intern for Jared Kushner was reportedly just dispatched to purchase a can of gas.

This story will be updated with further developments as they become available.
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