WASHINGTON, DC –
In spite of alleged audio evidence of the killing of Wall Street Journal Reporter Jamaal Kashoggi by Saudi Intelligence Operatives, President Trump today insisted that “we shouldn’t jump to conclusions”, and that authorities should look into a “mysterious 400 pound man” who, according to the President, has been involved in a series of crimes against the nation.
Nobody Really Knows
Saying at this point, no one can be sure whether an obese man sitting alone on his bed was involved in the disappearance or not, the President urged investigators to consider all scenarios.
“I don’t think anybody knows it was Saudi Arabia that had the journalist killed. Turkey’s saying it’s the Saudis, the Saudis, the Saudis. But I don’t know — maybe it was. I mean, it could be Saudi Arabia. But it could also be lots of other people. It could be the same guy sitting on his bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK?”
“Same Guy” Identity Withheld
When pressed for the name of the unknown man orchestrating killings across the globe from his bedroom, the president would not name the suspect, saying only “look, there is a fat – an incredibly obese guy, who is well known to the intelligence community doing a lot of bad stuff. I’m not saying I can prove he killed the journalist, but he’s probably responsible.”
The president went on to outline several serious crimes the man has likely committed.
“This same individual probably hacked into the DNC emails, and gave them to Wikileaks, and is responsible for the phony Access Hollywood tape. I never said those things. Also, he may have been involved with 911. There were reports of a 400 pound man dancing in New Jersey right after the Twin Towers came down – it was probably him.”
While not explicitly acknowledging the president’s suspicions, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said the FBI would keep an open mind as they assist Turkish authorities with their investigation into what happened.
“We will absolutely follow every lead no matter where it takes us,” the attorney general said. “If in fact there is a 400 pound man directing assassinations around the world from the comfort of his own home, that is something the FBI will definitely look into.”
“And if this man was guilty of other crimes, for instance Lance Armstrong’s doping during the Tour De France, or the explosion of the Hindenburg dirigible, you can rest assured American law enforcement will not rest until he is found. A 400 pound man might be able to hide in his bedroom, but he cannot hide from justice.”
“To put it bluntly,” said AG Sessions, “he is simply just way too big.”
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