Report: There Is No Escape. There Is Only Death. Death, and Bugles.

Report: There Is No Escape. There Is Only Death. Death, and Bugles.

 
LABRADOR, SCOTLAND –

Researchers working around the clock to crack the code of human existence have released their findings this week, stating that there is, in fact, no escape from the hellscape we inhabit called “being alive” except for a most likely painful and distressing death when the body will return to its primordial components and vanish forever into the earth without leaving a trace.

Also, Bugles are delicious.

 

Toothsome Morsels

“That we are doomed organisms condemned to walk the planet until the day when vast armies of microbes will overwhelm our defenses and turn our bodies into a pile of gelatinous goo is unavoidable,” according to the paper published in fourteen different peer-reviewed journals around the world.

“There is no hope,” said Professor Martin Schneel of the University of Labrador, Scotland. “Our being is a mockery of consciousness. It is a tune played on a noiseless drum in a pitch black room, heard by no one, finished before it even begins. There is no point to life.”

“There is only the void,” the professor stated. “And also this delectable salty snack food made from yellow corn meal which brings an overwhelming sense of satisfaction.”

 

Quick Pick-Up Energy

“When you are looking for a hearty snack that you can eat on-the-go as you wait for your impending demise at the hands of an uncaring universe, Bugles are an excellent choice,” he said.

And while Professor Schneel admitted more study needs to be done on the desperate and harrowing situation of being trapped in a ticking time bomb trying not to think about the nothingness that awaits us, he and his colleagues feel confident in their findings that Bugles are a mouthwatering delight.

“In fact,” according to the scientist, “they are not only the best choice for in-between meal treats during a senseless and futile life, our findings indicate they are without doubt Bugle-rific.”

 

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