JUNEAU, ALASKA –

As the Trump administration moved forward with its plan to strip away protections for an imperiled ground-nesting bird that oil companies have long considered an obstacle to some of the richest deposits in the American West, the sage grouse, left with few options, began preparations to defend its way of life.

Gathering a vast supply of armaments and ammunition purchased from the Chinese, members of the protected species readied themselves to fight to the death in order to save their nests and underbrush.

Will Take No Prisoners

“The incursion of the oil companies is unfortunate,” said Colonel William Grouse, leader of the 7th battalion of sage grouse. “But we are ready to do what’s necessary to ensure the survival of our species.”

In a rousing speech to his troops delivered from atop a nearby rock, Colonel Grouse urged the birds under his command to protect their homeland: “we will fight on to Anchorage. We will fight on to Fairbanks. We will fight even on to Nome,” he said grimly.

A Winter Offensive

Under the president’s new plan, the protected area of the sage grouse would shrink by 9 million acres, however with good weather the birds believe they can take that land back and more by spring.

“This is not a war we asked for,” said General Cornwall Grouse to a small gathering of reporters at an undisclosed location on the outskirts of Juneau, “but it is a war we intend to fight.”

The general paused as members of his air force strafed a nearby hillside, peppering the ground with 9mm shells, the sounds ringing off the nearby canyon walls. In the distance the wail of an emergency vehicle siren could be heard over the din of traffic.

“And God willing,” he continued, “it is a war we intend to win.”

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