General Mattis Resigns, Boosting Jobs Program For Chronically Unemployable

General Mattis Resigns, Boosting Jobs Program For Chronically Unemployable


Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, whose experience and stability were widely seen as a balance to an unpredictable president, resigned Thursday, dramatically boosting the chances of job seekers with no discernible skills whatsoever of getting a plum cabinet position in the most powerful organization on earth.


Hell Freezing Over

Candidates across the US who previously despaired of being hired anywhere flocked to the White House job posting page to apply for the cabinet level position of Defense Secretary.

“I can’t spell my own name, or operate a photocopier, but maybe there’s a place for me in the Trump administration?” said Janet Freidlanger of Port Landon, Maryland. “A lot of my friends are applying for that job, so I’m gonna throw my name in the ring and see what happens.”

Mr. Mattis, a retired four-star Marine general, asked aides to print out 50 copies of his resignation letter and distribute them around the building. “I hope that the vacancy created by my resignation will benefit someone who otherwise would not be able to find employment,” the secretary said.

“Being unemployed can be a terrible strain on a family. I’m proud to be stepping down from a position that will likely be filled by someone with a 3rd grade education who has never held down a job for more than six months in their life,” he added.


Starting Interviews Monday

While the White House has rigorous standards when it comes to evaluating resumes for the prestigious position of Defense Secretary, they expect a competitive pool of applicants.”The job was just posted yesterday on Linked In, and we already have seven inquiries, so we’re not worried about finding a qualified applicant.”, said an employee in the White House HR department.

“Someone has already contacted us from a solid family who graduated Cum Laude from Morchester Community College. You need to have a 3.0 or better in high school to even apply to Morchester, so we have very high hopes for that candidate.”

Interviews are expected to start later next week on a first come, first served basis.
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