Saying “Let’s just get it over with, I can’t watch any more of this crap”, God today informed the angelic hosts that He has decided to skip the calendar year 2019 entirely, and instead will send all of creation directly to the year 2020 in the hopes of getting the next US president elected as soon as possible.
“In his Infinite Wisdom, God has resolved that we should begin the next election season in a more timely fashion,” said a spokesperson for heaven. “By his decree, we will proceed directly to 2020 on January 1st and begin the New Hampshire primary without delay.”
“Please set your clocks ahead one year.”
Working In Mysterious Ways
Although His plans are inscrutable to mere mortals, sources say God had been growing impatient for some time with the current occupant in the White House. “Another Tweet?!” he was heard to bellow by his staff recently. “How have I not removed his thumbs already?!”
While unavailable for comment, Jesus was reported to be actively recruiting candidates, setting up a Super PAC, and registering Cherubim for early absentee voting.
Sources say a decision on whether to skip straight to November 11th on New Years Day will be made by the end of the week.
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