Report: Two Years Left To Go In Slow Motion Four-Year-Long Car Crash

Report: Two Years Left To Go In Slow Motion Four-Year-Long Car Crash


Pedestrians in the nation’s capital can mark the passage of time in many ways: the changing of the seasons, the blooming of cherry blossoms in the spring, the hot humid air off the Potomac in the summer. But for the past two years, Washingtonians have been able to observe the steady progress of time by taking in another sight: the slow-motion crash of two cars that has taken two years, and looks to be only halfway completed.

“Yeah, we’ve taken some measurements, and our guess is it will continue until sometime in late January, 2021,” said Department of Transportation Supervisor Ned Beagol. “You hate to see these kinds of things happen, but it’s part of life. We just hope that the damage is not too bad when it’s all over.”

The crash, which has consumed the city since it began, is diverting attention from arguably more pressing matters, like badly needed infrastructure repair. “Federal workers have important jobs to do for the country,” said Hoke Mizona, an inspector for the USDA. “But when I go into the office all anyone can talk about is this slow-motion freak accident. It’s really a time suck.”

Although the House of Representatives considered intervening to halt the developing catastrophe, it’s unlikely that the Senate would follow suit, so the crash has been allowed to continue.

A full investigation into the cause of the accident is expected to begin just as soon as the god-forsaken screeching of tires finally comes to a merciful end.
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