UNITED STATES –
Saying they were fed up with the rising costs of health care, Americans this week began assembling a death panel to oversee the difficult decision of when a corporation must be taken off machines pumping billions of dollars into its bank accounts.
“Obviously these are very sobering decisions,” said panel member Bernie Sanders. “No one relishes removing the tubes that allow millions and millions of dollars to gush into the one of these corporate entities.”
“And it’s especially heart-breaking,” he continued, “because the parent and sister companies of these businesses wish the unchecked amounts of money would keep flowing forever to keep them alive.”
“But, unfortunately,” he said, “someone needs to make the hard decisions about when to pull the plug. These companies simply can’t go on in this condition indefinitely.”
Golf Club Memberships Now An Elective Procedure
Another advisor on the panel, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, said the death panel will make other tough choices on what Americans will pay for:
“While it would be nice if every company could have elective procedures like flying around in private jets, purchasing multiple vacation homes for executives, and paying tens of millions of dollars in dividends to stock holders, unfortunately the American people can no longer afford to cover them.”
“If a company wants to pay for these procedures out of pocket, they can certainly do so, but they will need to find the money from sources other than sick Americans.”
A spokesman for the affected companies said it was horrifying that death panels would be free to decide the fate of multi-billion dollar corporations and immediately hired a PR firm to put up billboards of dying grandmas across the nation.
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