WASHINGTON DC –
Chaos broke out at the US Capitol this afternoon after a House resolution calling for an end to bigotry and discrimination failed to include the Neo-Pagan, earth-centered religion Wicca.
Making a remark he would later regret, Representative Doug Collins, the top Republican on the House Judiciary Committee, exclaimed shortly before the measure came to a vote, “we left out Wiccans!” upon which a host of angry, spell-casting, duotheistic worshipers immediately began torching the home of congress.
“Yeah, it was pretty bad,” said security officer Marlin Hambish who supervises security at the north entrance. “All of the sudden the skies were filled with shrieks and fire balls. And all these witchy types started smashing stuff.”
“Darius, who is in charge of the metal detector, was turned into a toad when he went out for a smoke break,” he said. “But luckily we had a bucket of water he could sit in until his wife comes to pick him up at the end of his shift.”
Although a spell was cast that will cause the Capitol to burn for a hundred years, a spokesperson for the Wiccans said the group would consider repairing the building, if congress would agree to include “Wiccans and other pagan peoples” in the anti-discrimination resolution. And also enact a law eliminating future occurrences of “that vile abomination carried by the winds which spreads its lies and filth across the land,” the 1960’s syndicated TV sitcom Bewitched.
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