White Supremacist Shooter Boosts Taliban Approval Ratings By .01%

White Supremacist Shooter Boosts Taliban Approval Ratings By .01%


According to a new poll released today by the public opinion-tracking company The Phalen Group, an Australian white supremacist shooter significantly boosted approval ratings for the Afghanistan Muslim group most closely associated with the attack on 911 by an impressive .01 percent.

The shooter, who committed horrific crimes against defenseless people in a place of worship, improved scores for the Taliban across all categories of public perception including trust, likability, and the all important “willing to have a beer with” composite score.

Said Randall Bergesone who responded to the poll by phone, “if you had asked me last week what I thought of a Muslim extremist group that refuses women the right to decide for themselves who they should marry, I would have said they were the worst. But honestly they don’t seem as bad to me now as they used to.”


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For the Taliban, who according to pollsters have an unbroken streak of 1,842 weeks without an uptick in popularity, the news that they were faring better came as a surprise.

“While we do not condone the use of infidel machines to speak to non-believers about their useless opinions,” said a spokesman, “it is by the grace of Allah that these improved poll numbers have come to us, and we humbly thank Him. Death to all foreigners.”

Poll numbers for the popularity of white supremacists were still being calculated as of press time, but would not be known for several weeks as statisticians needed to invent a new system of mathematics to describe how low the numbers have fallen.

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