After ridiculing people over several decades for being duped by official explanations, a local conspiracy theorist today announced there was absolutely nothing to question in a recent government report from the Special Counsel’s Office of the FBI.

“Americans should take this report at face value, and not read anything into it,” said the man, who believes that a child sex ring was run out of the basement of a Washington DC pizza parlor. “All of the persons involved in gathering the information were very trustworthy, the media reported it accurately, and no one could possibly have censored or otherwise edited any of the findings that were released to the general public. “

The government report, which summarized an investigation into possible treason by a sitting president, was “totally done above board, and no further thinking needs to happen about it,” said the man who claimed Supreme Justice Antonin Scalia was murdered. “We need to trust the media when it says that the report is accurate and move on with our lives.”

The local man added that it’s natural for people to be skeptical, but that anyone who questions this thorough and very believable report is a deranged kook who should probably be put in prison.

“People need to stop being suspicious of their government, especially the FBI” he said. “The government always tells the truth. What could they possibly have to hide?”

 
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