In a surprise announcement today, Department of Justice officials declared that Ohio State University has been picked to oversee any further investigations of President Donald Trump, his family, and business interests according to a source who requested anonymity.
The university, recently under fire for allowing a sports doctor to allegedly molest athletes unimpeded for 20 years, will handle all document requests from congress, the court system, media outlets and American citizens.
In a press release, the administration welcomed the news. “Finally, an impartial observer can carefully examine the evidence and conclude that there was absolutely nothing wrong with how the Trump campaign and administration behaved during and after the historic election of 2016.”
“The confidential meetings of campaign officials and administration representatives with Russian operatives in private rooms were completely innocent, and we’re looking forward to investigators from Ohio State confirming what all of us already know,” the press release read: “that everything the president did was within the bounds of a normal medical exam.”
As of press time, investigators from Ohio State were fielding requests from several news organizations for documents, and were standing by ready to assist them just as soon as they dropped their drawers.
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