LONDON, UK –
Abruptly snatched from a well-earned rest in the eternal Netherworld, where neither light nor sound exists, former British leader Winston Churchill was unfortunately thrust back into life on earth recently as a local halfwit who, against all odds, had been elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
“It is a sad day for me, a sad day for government, and a sad day for England,” said the 145 year-old statesman who piloted his country thru its darkest days at the hands of the Nazi war machine, only to wind up as a loony MP that had schemed his way into 10 Downing Street when no one else wanted the job.
“Only a drunken sot would undertake such a crackbrained course of action,” he said, referring to the ill-conceived machinations of his new host body to withdraw from the European Union. “It almost makes me want to go back to a nebulous eternal haze of unbeing. But apparently it’s to my undying shame that fate has deemed me to be the unfortunate receptor of such a half-baked activity.”
Once Highly Regarded
A British politician, army officer, and writer before being elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1940 to 1945, Mr. Churchill led Britain to victory in the Second World War. Widely considered one of the 20th century’s most significant figures, Churchill played an important role in defending Europe from the spread of fascism.
“Of all the boobs I had to come back to inhabit, I could not have made a poorer choice for myself if I were fourteen brandies into an after-party at an all-night whiskey bar,” the famous statesman said.
“I do not know who authored this brand of cosmic tomfoolery, but for my own part, I would sooner soil the ground with my own manhood, than have to spend one minute of a Sunday afternoon chained to the shambling specter of this jibber-jabbering nincompoop.”
As of press time, sources were reporting that Mr. Churchill was growing tired of being civil, and was making preparations to tell reporters how he really felt.
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