Consumed by spasms of hysterical laughter that bordered on insanity, a Russian spy today finally confessed to being an operative of a foreign government before declaring it didn’t matter who knew, because he was going to win reelection to the US Senate anyway.
The revelation, which came amid repeated chortles and diabolical snickering, brought many who heard the confession a sense of futile resignation.
“It’s tough to stop a super villain who not only tells you what their plot is, but then taunts you to do something about it,” said Greg Menderthal of Parcville, Kentucky. “If I knew how to run for US Senate and put a halt to his plans, I definitely would. But you need a bunch of money to do that.”
“So, I guess he’s going to continue his evil ways,” he said shrugging.
The Russian operative, who goes by the Nom de Guerre “Mitch McConnell” and represents the state of Kentucky, made a point of asking each person in the room if he or she was going to stop him from winning the next election, before breaking into uncontrolled laughter for several minutes while enlisting his henchmen to laugh along with him.
“I get that he’s an evil mastermind and will someday destroy the planet earth and all that is good and true,” said Mr. Menderthal, “but did he have to take it to that level? A simple announcement would have been enough. Jeez.”
While federal authorities scrambled to respond, as of press time word of the spy’s Russian background had netted him a 10 percent gain overall in popularity among eligible voters in the state, and +17 percentage points in the crucial demographic of Americans who would not be opposed to voting for a bag of sticks.
Your Trusted Source for Faux News