Report: There Is No Escape. There Is Only Death. Death, and Bugles.

Report: There Is No Escape. There Is Only Death. Death, and Bugles.

  LABRADOR, SCOTLAND – Researchers working around the clock to crack the code of human existence have released their findings this week, stating that there is, in fact, no escape from the hellscape we inhabit called “being alive” except for a most likely painful and distressing death when the body will return to its primordial […]

Man Experiences Daylight Savings Time Shift As Foretold By Einstein

Man Experiences Daylight Savings Time Shift As Foretold By Einstein

 NEWPORT CANYON, CO – While astrophysics might seem like a remote field of study, far removed from the events that make up our daily lives, local man Barn Thompsen had a run-in with Albert Einstein’s theory of special relativity this morning as he experienced the famous physicist’s Daylight Saving’s Time Shift firsthand.   Keep Checking […]

Scientists Reveal Universe Actually Shaped Like iPhone 7s

Scientists Reveal Universe Actually Shaped Like iPhone 7s

  BERN, SWITZERLAND – Astrophysicists who have been working for decades to define the shape of the universe released their findings today in the journal Astroscience, revealing that it is the exact shape of an iPhone 7s. “We were as surprised an anyone,” said the lead technician on the project, Professor Luken Balden. “But the […]

Attorney General Sessions Most Likely Responsible For Hurricane Michael

Attorney General Sessions Most Likely Responsible For Hurricane Michael

  WASHINGTON DC – In what’s being generally viewed as a foregone conclusion, sources in Washington agreed Tuesday that although he may not have personally created the storm currently pounding the southeastern portion of the United States, Attorney General Sessions is probably mostly responsible for it taking place.   Probably The Cause Representative Mark Meadows, […]

Americans Scramble To Fund New Alcohol-Friendly Health Study

Americans Scramble To Fund New Alcohol-Friendly Health Study

  UNITED STATES – Alarmed by a recent scientific study which claimed that the negative health effects of alcohol outweigh the overall benefits, people across the nation today immediately began contributing money to fund a study more favorable to drinking alcohol.   Publication Of Findings Within Ten Days A Kickstarter account promising to “fund a […]


White House Announces Cigarettes Are Good For You

White House Announces Cigarettes Are Good For You

  WASHINGTON, DC – Chafing under years of scientific reporting on the catastrophic effects that cigarette smoking has on human health, President Trump today announced that “contrary to what fake news would have you believe, cigarettes are definitely not bad for your health. In fact, they are actually very good for you.” Smoking his way […]

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